a day without Hope

Flowers didn't seem to burn anymore. Nothing did. What didn't make me feel terrible made me feel numb. The walls are not closing in on me, they are falling away, which is much more terrifying if you ask me. I would much rather be snug than falling away. Nobody asks me though. I think later I will not want to be asked, but as of now I could use someone asking. Ask me anything. I cannot promise I will not lie.
I have lied before.
We should not get into that though. It is hurtful and I do like it. It does not make me feel good about thinking of past things.
(authors note; I know this song was sung by an orphan but let us be honest, it was a made up story and is now sung but anything but orphans.)
The sun will come up tomorrow they say, or at least that is what little girls like to sing. You never see a poor child singing that song. People who have no earthly problems are the only ones who worry that the sun will not come up in the morning. They have so much they want to do, places to see, people to love, pleasures to be had. Poor folk secretly pray that the sun will not make it up tomorrow. The pain and troubles ended before the end you. If you cannot finish the race, would it not make things better if a storm cancelled the whole event?
A bad day for a comfortable person is reason for depression because it is the lowest they have ever been. For one who has none, a bad day means the next day will be worse.
The pills and the 750 ml bottles seem to drag you through the shit worse than trudging through on your own. They say they will help you fly over or at least give you boots to wade through it, but it just allows you not smell it until its caked all over your body and in your mouth. Just walk through with your eyes ahead and at least you will see the parts of your body to wash when you are out. This whole world cannot be a field of filth yet.
The stupor and fog passes with the morning breeze. Walking down to the cafe helps scrape the film away. It is still there but I can see well enough. I can talk to people again. It is nice to be able to look at their faces instead of their shoes.
I have two dollars and twelve cents. That is a cup of coffee and one refill. I want to be thankful for the little things but it is hard when you realize what the little things cost.
I do not like to think of the night I became hopeless. Having a good time naturally brings me back to it though. I cannot experience good without remembering the good that was taken from me.
He did not have to shoot her. He could have took my wallet and her thin gold necklace and had a perfectly good time. Maybe he knew though. He knew that it would buy him only a few more days and nights of escape. Maybe this was his giving up. He knew the police would find him. He did not even hide. After he killed her and shot me, he just sat down on the curb and cried. I did not hate him. I could not believe him. He was not sorry he did it, he was sorry it came to it. He had no choice in his mind.
The police handcuffed him. He said he was sorry. He was not sorry he got caught, sorry he killed her and not sorry he was doomed. He was sorry he had to do it. Natures of man want to bring others with them wherever he goes. Up or down we want company. See you in hell or I'll join you in heaven. Whenever you go and wherever, take companions.
I could not work a job afterwards.
I lost most feeling in my right arm. My pelvis was shattered by his first shot and my spine on the second.
I lost the will to work. I do not receive anything as far as disabled payment. It goes to my medical bills and my nose plugs. Being estranged from your family offers little goodness when you are not independent or have no purpose in life.
I walk to my change jar. I receive five cents for my bottles. I found five dollars on the ground the other day. I have seven dollars and fifty eight cents. I do not know what to do with it.
I sit down and just look at it. There is no point in saving anything anymore.
I do not know what to spend it on.

Inspired by Christmas music in starbucks...

The Christmas music was still playing over the loud speakers in the coffee shop. It is serenely disturbing as Jingle Bells serenades a man dying as he bleeds out over his latte and bagel with cream cheese. Nobody likes a murder or even death but this one hurt. It is the holiday season and all were enjoying themselves. The couple in the big softies chattering to impress each other on their first date, the two old men playing chess and downing espressos religiously and the barista behind the counter smiling but wanting to be home. The barista is still smiling but the smile is stuck and unconscious when before it was forced and genuinely fake. I have never seen a murder. Now I have. I would like to explain to the police what happened and that would help them catch someone. I would be a hero and even receive a handshake. Alas, all I can tell is that someone walked into the shop as a person on holiday would walk. Strolling with little to no purpose. Meandering would be a good word. I'll use that.
Dashing through the snow..
I want to squelch the notion that murders are loud or dramatic. Well some are I am sure but this one was not. The man on holiday walked up to the man reading the newspaper. A handshake, a smile, a exchange of greetings, pulling him close and then four thrusts of a blade into the newspaper and through the stomach of it's reader. His hands coddle the man's confused face and then he walks towards the door with a small grin on his face. He stops at my table first and presents me with the knife. He tells me I have earned it. I guess so.
..on a one horse open sleigh..
That was it. The holiday skewer did not even run away. He walked. People are not even afraid of spilling the blood of people in coffee shops who read newspapers during the Christmas season. There was Christmas music playing. Has anyone ever died immediately after hearing "Happy Holidays to you."? I watched the man's blood soak his bagel and wondered if that bothered him. I hope it did not, he has enough to worry about at the moment. A new song as come on the speakers.
The weather outside is frightful...
I want to help this man but he is too far gone. I am sorry he is dying. I hope they catch that man on holiday. There is no excuse to interrupt the yule tide season. People have presents to buy and trees to decorate. Uncalled for really.
...but the fire is so delightful...
Turn off the incessant music. I cannot seem to get a grasp on what has happened with those tunes blocking out all ranges of emotions. Police officers are inside now with guns pulled and some paramedics are fussing over the newspaper and it's reader. They should stop. He is dead. I wish I did not have such sticky hands. The coppers are looking at me with odd looks on their face. The guns are pointed towards me. This is un safe I say. Doesn't a man have rights in this holiday season? I would like to finish my coffee please. I tell them this and they do not listen. Hands behind the back is uncomfortable. I am worried that the police officers have made a mistake as the knife is on my table.
They are not convinced by my oaths of innocence. The other customers have turned on me. They want justice.
...as long as you love me so, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...
Looking back I should have taken my pills but it was the holiday season I say. I will not subject myself to that any longer. I was a man on holiday, I did not need any pills telling me what to do. Merry Christmas I guess. I tell this to the police officer who handcuffs me. No response. I am not sure holidays mean the same to everyone.

Where does it stop and start?

Let us define phrases. Living for today. So ignored and so misused. I think.  How do we live day by day (by day, by day, by day oh lord) and not be terrible stewards of our lives? What does that mean? Is it sensible to do this at all? What happens when we plan for tomorrow and then forget about where you are walking?
I have lots of daily questions.
I have few daily answers.
I think that is okay...
Living for today. Do not say tomorrow I will go here or there and do this or that.
Constant worry/planning/hoarding about the future blinds us to world around us. People are stuck in time and space and out bodies are still not fully severed from out Adamistic Doom. Meaning we are going to die sometime. I have heard so many people talk about regrets they have about their loved ones death, wishing they had spent more time with them or told them they loved them the last time the talked. (authors note: look how many words start with L or T in that last sentence.) As I have become older I have finally started to realize the importance of saying "I love you" to friends and family members when I hang up the phone. Suck the marrow from the time you spend with people. We do not know when our string is cut.
I do not want to live just today and go bankrupt tomorrow.
How do we balance living today and being stewards?
I think the door swings on obsession.
Do not be obsessed with anything. Today is happening. You are alive today and maybe tomorrow. Which should you pick to focus on? You can live today and set up things for tomorrow without losing sight of the person in front of you. Do what you can but don't throw all your chips in for anything but Christ.
To hedge one's bets is a sin.
I am living today, so I will drink and enjoy this cup of coffee. I will cook dinner, enjoy it and give thanks for the provision. I will not max out 3 credit cards or take a loan that I never plan to pay off because I think I shouldn't plan for tomorrow. That is what a fool would do. The world could end tomorrow but it also could go on for 10,000 more years. How do you want to look or what do you want to be doing with the trumpet sounds? I want to be sitting with friends or family, enjoying a meal or reading a book. Live this life for Him and I promise you will have time to go see some wonders of The World later.
I do not know if I have made any sense yet so I shall stop.

Golf...who likes it?

I do. So went to the DMV yesterday and got six points for doing what the intimidating woman in my passenger seat called a "California rolling stop". I am not sure what that really means or entails but I do know that is I gathered ten points that I would fail the test for the Chauffeurs license thus losing my regular licence until I could pass the test all over again. I know how to drive, I know most traffic laws but having someone who must find it painful to smile sitting in your very small car, writing things as you turn right, turn left and parallel park is a wee bit stressful. Did I mention that this cali rollin stop was at the stop sign of the parking lot out of the DMV? It was. Anyways I passed. Did I attempt to butter the instructor up the rest of the test? Yes, yes I did. Did it work? You tell me, I have a chauffeur's licence in my wallet now.
After this ordeal, my work training got cancelled. HUZZAH! So I called the roommate and we went golfing. Here are some things I notice and love/hate about the "game" of golf.
Golf should not be called a game. Games do not cause men in their mid twenties to have cardiac issues relating to rage. SkipBo, that is a game. Golf is something more. Maybe it is closer to a job. I do not make much money from it, most of the time I am ill-tempered whilst doing it and I perform much better is I am drinking beer.
Physics are stupid. I hate them. The whole issues of spin really chaps my backside. If small dimpled balls did not spin in certain directions I would be a phenomenal golfer. Maybe I would not be able to hit the ball at all but at least I would not hit it at a 90 degree angle any longer.
Being awesome at Tiger Woods PGA 2004 does not make you even slightly good in real life. I struggle with the fact that getting on the green is basically one shot away from being done with the hole. This is true for me on the video game. In real life I am usually about 3-4 shots away. FYI this is also true with guitar playing and guitar hero.
Lastly, golf is life. You can play like a no good hack for 17.3 holes BUT on that 18th hole you hit a spectacular drive, and Mickelson like approach, and drain that put like Jack at Augusta. You love this "game", you feel on top of the world, you forget two holes back when you tossed you pitching wedge farther than you just hit your ball. That is life. You have trials and tribs out the wazoo (sp?) and then God gives you a sliver of mercy and all is balanced, all is good.
Fore.

Great, Sun, Morning, Awe and some coffee

Had a spectacular camp fire with some friends last night. The fire was hot, the brews frosty and the conversation would have kept Professor Slughorn's hour glass still.
The topic of sun in the morning came up. How it can lift the spirits and bring forth immediate worship. I am at a coffee shop this morning and I got to watch the sun rise in The East and elation, contentment and mercy filled me. God's print is in all of nature but there are certain things that really strum with me.
Mountains. Majestic and scary. They can strike fear in me as well as my utmost humility.
Sunrises. Rebirth, new day and all that. The sun is such a gift. The daily sign that life goes on and we are not alone.
late for work now because of the stars in my eyes.

The Autumn List it is!

Lists are great. It is a lazy way for me to tell people things that I would not be able to in normal natural conversation. I get to shove my thoughts into all ya'lls faces. So it is Autumn but it is waning quickly. Life seems to speed up the more complicated it gets. That is a terrible thing to me. I guess that is why people who are constantly going and moving so often lose track of themselves or others.  Taking time to slow down and savor is not part of our culture anymore. I digress...
Here is one way I can try and slow my life down. By making a list, sometimes I am able to at least recognize what I love and what touches me.
So The Autumn...

Leaves. Crunchy, colorful, musty, aromatic...the adjectives could go on forever. I love when the leaves turn on the trees. The seem to symbolize the somber atmosphere descending, like elves leaving Middle Earth. I spent alot of football practices in college simply look at the collage of changing foliage. This may have contributed to my lack of playing time but I think my shortness of talent did mostly.

Flannel. I would wear flannel all year if I could. I mean I can but I tend to become smelly hot garbage when I attempt it in the summer. I was fortunate enough to have three close friends in college who all shared my love for the flannel shirt. James, Josiah and Jake. We really did make them cool again. I was saddened by the hipness factor they have now accumulated. I guess I am just being selfish though.

Coffee. Coffee makes my list for all seasons but it is especially grand in the fall months. Crisp mornings are brightened and illuminated by a fresh hot brew. Hurray.

Seeing my breath. Friends have witnessed my boyish joy I show once the warm moisture molecules from my lungs hit the cool air and cause steam. I realize you will think this stupid but this is my list not yours...and its the little things in life and all that.

Oktoberfest Style Beer. Best kind of beer hands down. Rich, frothy, amber, bursting with flavor. Gosh what more could you want.

Sitting in coffee shops with or without friends. I am doing this right now. It is great. Sit, read, talk, listen, drink, watch. Sounds like a pretty fulfilled life if you ask me.

Camp Fires. This is a multi-lister as well but oh well. Fire is always great unless it is burning you.

Fantasy Football. I like to watch football games but I have to admit that I am not a die hard fan anymore. It is hard for me to watch an entire game anymore. I do however love looking at my team during the week and writing mean/comical posts that degrades my fellow league members or myself. I also enjoy picking Star Wars themed team names. This year I am the Rebel Alliance. We are terrible but I like to write that we are good.

I do not like frost on my car windows though and that comes with Autumn as well. Good thing I can now park my car in a garage. I feel this will cut down on the number of days I get "sick" on work days this year.

Cheers 

The Ache for Further Up and Further In.

Everywhere I am I yearn for something else. I live in small town Kansas, I yearn for something exciting and busy. I live in Chicago, I wanted to be in Africa. I live in the mountains of Utah and yearned for closeness of family and even missed the Midwest autumn. I live in Des Moines and see pictures of mountains and it makes me miss the mist covered mountains.
The grass is never greener on the other side is that other side is just another place here on earth. I am constantly frustrated by my restlessness and want of being somewhere.
I am reading some of Tolkien's early middle earth creation literature right now (yes i am super dorky and hope i stay that way) and it has, as does Lewis' Narnia stories, so many references and themes of man being in a world that is not his/her own any longer. The metaphysical longing of something/someone/some place that is not yet here or we are not quite at yet is all over.
I truly do want and long to be in Africa for a very long time. I do want to live in Chicago maybe again if I stay here in the States. I do love being around my family and friends. These longings of comfort or completeness are, I think, the shadow or echo of my true longing. To be in the place where the colors are no longer images of reflected light but visions of the True Light. To finally be completed as Man and for my nature to be as it should be. No longer broken and vile. No longer wanting. To finally see the Glory the all sunsets/sunrises, mountains, music, love, birds, books, smiles, seas, winds, prairies, leaves, creatures reflect as shadows on a cave wall. Follow the dogs for they are headed Further Up and Further In.