The Ache for Further Up and Further In.

Everywhere I am I yearn for something else. I live in small town Kansas, I yearn for something exciting and busy. I live in Chicago, I wanted to be in Africa. I live in the mountains of Utah and yearned for closeness of family and even missed the Midwest autumn. I live in Des Moines and see pictures of mountains and it makes me miss the mist covered mountains.
The grass is never greener on the other side is that other side is just another place here on earth. I am constantly frustrated by my restlessness and want of being somewhere.
I am reading some of Tolkien's early middle earth creation literature right now (yes i am super dorky and hope i stay that way) and it has, as does Lewis' Narnia stories, so many references and themes of man being in a world that is not his/her own any longer. The metaphysical longing of something/someone/some place that is not yet here or we are not quite at yet is all over.
I truly do want and long to be in Africa for a very long time. I do want to live in Chicago maybe again if I stay here in the States. I do love being around my family and friends. These longings of comfort or completeness are, I think, the shadow or echo of my true longing. To be in the place where the colors are no longer images of reflected light but visions of the True Light. To finally be completed as Man and for my nature to be as it should be. No longer broken and vile. No longer wanting. To finally see the Glory the all sunsets/sunrises, mountains, music, love, birds, books, smiles, seas, winds, prairies, leaves, creatures reflect as shadows on a cave wall. Follow the dogs for they are headed Further Up and Further In.

Lets Get Intimate

There is such thing as too much of a good thing. Too much beer/wine/whiskey assists in terrible rants about eternity, head aches and very bad gas. Too much coffee results in my hands and toes shaking uncontrollably and the urge to take part in some sort of counter culturally activity(at least for me). Too much spare time results in 8:30 PM trips to Starbucks to partake in aforementioned good thing. Too many books CAN result in a loss of touch with actually people. This is not always so terrible to me but you know. Too much thinking can result in psychosis and second guessing your every move. Too much technology can result in untalented but inspired people to have the audacity to blog their thoughts on thoughtsofawannabenathan.blogspot.com. Too much sugar and saturated fats result in a fairly rotund belly and an addition to the chin God gave humans. Too much religion can result in a  crazy dogma and loss of relationship with Christ and people. Too much lack of religion can result ridiculous personalized spirituality where you are never wrong and decisions like wanting your friends to all wear the same jump suits and shoes right before you drink poison kool-aid.
Well I guess consistency in our lives is good. They are kicking me out of starbucks now and my hands shake as i type this.

10 years.

I stood in the hallway of Eureka Jr Sr High, leaning against the wall with a few of my friends waiting for class to start. Someone walked up and said it. "Did you guys see the news? Someone hit the World Trade Center with a plane."
I almost laughed. I thought he was kidding or if he was serious it had to be a single prop plane and tragically a few people may have died. Obviously I was wrong. I was stunned, scared, enraged and thought any retribution we gave to the terrorists was deserved and good. Ten years later the rage is gone. Sadness is there and pity. Pity for the families of the victims, pity for the families of the terrorists and most of all pity for the terrorists. How could a person justify killing thousands of people and think that God would be pleased. I get ill thinking of this.

Love your enemies. How do we do this as Christians? As terrible as the attacks were, Christ calls us to love those who were responsible for them. I know I myself cannot do this but Christ who is in me can. I cannot forgive them but I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. As Christians we will be persecuted, we will see tragedy, we will lose those we love here on earth and we are called to love all of those who bring pain and hurt into our lives. The early Christians were fed to lions, boiled alive, skinned, raped,  nailed to crosses, beheaded and hunted. Yet the Church survived, even grew by THOUSANDS each year. They loved their enemies and by the love of Christ in them, they touched those who persecuted them. God help us to emulate them.

Ten years later I am still forgiving and trying to love.

Roots

I read a quote somewhere that said in so many words that when you think back fondly of your hometown, that it is your childhood you miss, not the place. Obviously this person did not grow up in Neal, Kansas. I was pseudo day-dreaming as I listened to the Blitzen Trapper song "Furr" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmBgxP56R1I&ob=av2n which made me yearn for some sort of Walden Pond. As I left consiousness and floated above my own body I got the feeling of total and absolute oneness. Ha sorry. No but really what came to me was that I grew up in one big Walden Pond. What did Walden have that is so attractive? Let us explore the qualities. Solitude- This one is almost too easy If you do not believe me please look at google maps and type in Neal, KS. If one wants to get away from people you do not need to hardly leave Neal, there is something like 35 people living there, give or take 5-10. If you take a mile bike ride in any direction you come to places where only neanderthals and coyotes have ever been. Next Walden had inclusion into nature. Some of my fondest memories are spending entire days on Homer Creek just fishin, throwing rocks, make believing, sleeping, and exploring. I never remember it being too hot or too humid to go out and about on "my river". Thanks extra weight and A.C. Next, W.P. had a sense of escape. Now I know this is close to solitude and leaning too much towards escape rather than solitude is not good but let me try and clarify what my mind thinks. Ha. Solitude is extended time to be alone both physicaly and mentally. It is time for self-reflection and introspection, for pondering metaphysics and theology. Escape is something to be used sparingly and shortly. There are times when one is over stressed or just plain angry. You do not want to, and maybe should not, go and think or meditate on things so what you need is something to vent your pent up feelings or to break away from something weighing on you. You escape. I could always head to my river and escape. No judgements, scoldings, pressing needs or fear. I could yell at the trees, throw logs in the water or just lay in the grass and veg out. (pardon the pun) What is great about escapes is that they can evolve so easily into sanctuary and solitude. One should hardly ever act when in high emotion or deep depression. Once you have gotten a little more even keeled meditation is what should come next. In this way you can plug back into your life with others.

I love that I am from such a simple and mystical place. I was not born there but I spent most of my life there so far. When I visit the ma and pa time slows down and creeps along with the languidly of a lazy heifer in a bluestem pasture. (that is a cow I believe) Don't worry if you have never heard that term, it's just stuff we cow folk of Neal, America use. I feel badly sharing this with you and know that most people in the world will never experience the Neal Valley.  If you ever get the urge to wade in Rocky Ford or fish for perch in Bert and Jan's creek, I'm sure my parents will give you a tour in their now famous Go-kart. Yes, they are in the Neal 4th of July Parade.

 Getting there will be the hard part, I think the Yates Center Municipal Airport is open if you can fly in nothing bigger than this.

P.S.

The picture at the top is not the house I grew up in. It is one of the fine buildings on "main street". I believe it is supposed to be haunted.

No letter cursing please, the library is supposed to be partially quiet

I recently purchased Lewis Carroll's set of tales, Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass so I have decided to explore words beginning with the letter "F".

Friendship. I just spent a week sleeping on my two best friends dream inducing sofa. I was up in Des Moines taking part in Official Hogwarts business but in addition to that I ate succulent ribs cooked by Jake, phenomenal fajitas from Tim and Kelly, played more Tiger Woods 2004 golf than is good for anyone, shopped at the second best book store in America with Molly (first in price though, if you have not gone to Half Price Books in Des Moines and you love books, well you should go.), played childish yet immensely fun pool games such as dodge the torpedo, catch the torpedo, baseball, breath holding and arm spin contests. This is really probably not interesting to you at all but my point is if you are unemployed and have a week or so to go hang out with close friends then you definitely should because nothing helps your soul so much as people around you who love you and you love. As much as I like Simon and Garfunkel  we are not meant to be alone ala Genesis 2:18, our nature as creatures is too need affection in some way and to be truly full, give affection in some way. As much as I love and in some ways understand the teachings and writings of the Desert Fathers, I will say where they fall short is the lack of emphasis they put on the joy we are supposed to take in each other. The point here is that I am blessed beyond belief in the friendships I have in reality across America.

Next word, Fallen.

Sat in on a Bible/devotional study with my friend and his father in law and discussed the idea of sin/redemption/Christ etc.. and I was reminded to what I constantly need reminded of, we are fallen and despicable and need the absolute grace of Christ for Life. What makes this so terrible when I do not meditate on this fact is that not only do I suffer myself, I cannot approach anything in my life, be it a job, relationships, witness, philosophy or what have you, in any sort of a correct way. Once we have the saving grace working out the constant salvation is terribly hard but nothing in this world matters if we stop doing it as Solomon tragically found out. So I guess I will have to continue to keep standing up. So the idea of fallen leads into a pair of words that come from the understanding of that word, failure and fresh. C.S. Lewis said that the Creator takes much joy in the fact that we get up and keep going. I do not want to fail or fall but if and when I do we are graced with fresh starts. Friendships and faith are ever so vital in stepping into our fresh starts after our failures, even though we are so fallen.

Well I feel as if I am rambleing so goodnight. Oh yes and I stayed with the Flinkmans whilst in Des Moines and that starts with F as well.

Oh here's a little nibble of my past. I hope it's not too salty.

I found this as I was looking for my resume on my USB drive. I had forgotten about it. It documents the events of February 1, 2009. Enjoy.


Feb 2, 2009
GUNFIGHT AT VALLEY ACRES
Last night was a bit scary. I awoke at approx 3:30 AM, from some interesting but forgotten dreams to the sound and feel of a gun being shot in the room underneath me. I was confused at first and adrenaline rushed through me. My hands went to my body, frantically searching for a wound, nothing. I had the urge to run to the window, where I heard someone scrambling out of the window directly below mine. Within seconds, I deemed that going to the window might be a foolish gesture. I am amazed now at my thoughts in the early AM. I realized that whoever flew from the window could have either been the shooter or worse, the shot. My mind raced with thoughts of murderers below me cursing their luck that I was right on top of them. I imagined them realizing their mistake and soon rushing to my door and dealing with me. I was frozen for I do not know how long now. I feared any movement would betray me to the thugs below. As I sat there on my couch, an image from the Guy Ritchie movie, “Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels” kept entering my mind. The scenes in which the “heroes” listen in quietly to the gangsters next door deal out drugs and plan evil schemes. My mind also went to my newly met neighbor, Chuck. I wondered if he was home or not. What were all the other tenants thinking about this time I wonder? Maybe we would all get the same thought and race out into the halls together and defeat the usurpers of our peaceful slumbers! I don’t think Chuck would be up for that. All this was thought of in such a short time. I was trying now to decide now to call the Police or not. Waves of doubt showered me of maybe jumping the gun and calling wolf. I didn’t want to bring cops here for something in the kitchen exploding. My mind started to forget what I heard. I wasn’t sure anymore if what I heard was a gunshot and weather anything had crawled out of the window below. Yet I knew what time it was and how loud and obnoxious these people were below usually. I had smelled the fragrance of illegal substances and partying creeping up from the apartment before. My mind was telling me “drug deal gone badly.” My fear of the shooter staying in the apartment began to grow. Why if someone was shot here, was the ambulance not arriving? Yet I did not move. Was I to be the victim of fear and imagination? I waited. I crept silently finally to the bathroom to relive myself. Since as I was sitting there, I realized how badly I needed to go. I dared not to flush since that might awaken my foes senses below. I returned to my silent vigil of sound. Eventually, mind you I don’t know exactly when, I laid down and waited. I believe I drifted off and awoke to different lights dancing on my walls. I spend the first couple of nights in a new place studying the surroundings. I had memorized how the lights lay against the walls in my kitchen/living room, and the beams where different now. I sat up, drawing in a slow and hissing breath. I inched towards the window. Silently I breached the blades of the blind. My shoulders relaxed and my stomach released its inner and unknown tension. There in the road and in the driveway of the apartment complex sat two police cruisers. Now I hold no love or hate in my heart for police one way or another. I feel that most citizens view the police force as comforting and wrathful as the servants of the Greek and Roman gods. For the most part we avoid them and their coming brings pangs of anxiousness and fear to our guts. Yet when we are in dire need and want, we relish their coming and rejoice for them as if we had been found by our long lost fathers. Right or wrong, this is what I feel most people, including myself, feel about our police force, and maybe we are right sometimes and I am sure we are wrong mostly. The feeling of rescue was my thought as I gazed out my window.
For the next hour I watched the police out my windows search the area for some clues or evidence. I took this time to text a few of my male friends who would care but not freak out and told them in short the situation. Only Flinkman replied. So thanks Jake, for either being up or waking up. I heard voices in the hallway outside and went to my door. Cigarette smoke was making its way into my place. I looked out my peep hole and could see that there was a couple of people, a guy and girl for sure by their voices, out there smoking like chimneys and talking with a cop. I started picking up what was said. Apparently someone came over that night to the party pad who the tenants did not know very well. Then I think a fight broke out and the stranger pulled a gun a discharged it and fled out the window, very slowly by the sound of it. Criminals in Des Moines are not as smooth as Chicago ones. Anyways, the cops stayed watch and I decided it was time for bed for this sacredly cat. It was 5 am now. My body had woken up quite a bit by now but was finally calming down. So I poured a stiff one, put a golf club close where I could reach it and went into some more interesting but forgetful dreams until 10 am.

"Who is Pokey Reese?"

I love summer. Here are some reason's why.

Reading books. There is nothing like waking up early or staying up late to read a delicious book whilst drinking a thoughtful and well written cup of coffee. One of the many reasons I will not get a Kindle is that they just do not look as good sitting by a steaming hot cup of coffee as a book does. On this topic and particular summer, I am very much excited by the weekend of July 15. I recommend that you research this date and your summer enjoyment will increase ten-fold.

Sam Adam's Summer Ale with a side of crackling camp fire added to it. Every year since I was 7 years old I have looked forward to the release of this delightfully refreshing brew. I enjoy it most when sitting around a camp fire behind my friends Jake and Molly's house. If they are there then that is a plus as well.

Sunburn. I am of almost entire British Isle descent. This means that in the winter you are able to see platelets and phagocytes running through my veins. I will regret it someday but right now I relish the slight burn of my skin and my freckles bursting forth enough to look like a quasi tan.

Grilling. It's cheap, it's fun, it's manly and it tastes ever so good. There is nothing you cannot grill. I once made an entire wedding cake on a grill, frosting and all. If you do not believe me I can and will not prove it to you. Also tagged with this is eating outside.

Golf. I compare my love of golf to Dostoevsky's short story "A Gentle Creature" The lady trails me along and I think I truly love her but I never get anything out of it except maybe summer likes 2 and 3 from above.

Traveling to Des Moines to beat Jake at tennis, prepare good food and drinks with even better people and to enjoy campfires. *author's note; I believe that I have only enjoyed a campfire twice there but it left a lasting impression on me.

Going to baseball games. I will go to any game in any stadium but I do have favorite stadiums and people to go with. First Wrigley Field bleachers with the right field crew from college. I know for a fact Brandon Phillips and Dámaso Marté will never forget us. Second place is Kauffmen Stadium, home of the most character building team in professional sports. I like to attend this one with Brandon Warren because it is always fun to watch him come crashing down on an unsuspecting woman while he is in pursuit of a projectile hot dog.

Music. A well placed song can put you into a state of blissful summerness. What is great about music in the summer time is that you can add to any of the above mentioned items and it works like magic. I resist giving you a list of what music to listen to as that is rude and presumptuous of me to think I know what would hit your summer bone.